Okay so it was just about a week ago after my mysterious reserection that I posted the ruomor that Micheal 'my explosions bigger than your explosion' Bay was planning to cast a Victoria Secrets, model with all the acting experience of one of those lamps that sit in a shop windows, in his next Transformers ... I hesitate to call it a film... spectical. At the time the possibility that any one man could be so thick not to realise that this was one of those ideas, like a tennis racket made out of pancakes, you put in the BAD pile was unfathomable to me, but apparently they do exist and Mr Bay ocupies their ranks. It's not that I have anything wrong to having a bit of eye candy go with my movies, actresses that can do the both is fine with me. But when you cast someone whose job is to just walk around in skimpy clothes, well all attempts at subtlty go out the window.
After the Trash pile that was Transf
estitesormers 2 and the absolute spanking Bay got from critics and general film goers alike, I honestly though he might have decided to make a move in the smarter direction, but of course that dream was short lived.
Now I know that out there somewhere there will be people trying to tell me, 'Oh come on Gent, it won't be that bad. At least they aren't trying to pretend shes an actress anymore, and look at all the changes Bays making, surely that is a good move?' and to that I say, shut up and go back to the fan boy hole you crawled out of, just because you tinker with the formula of a terrible film doesn't mean it will get better, infact if you push it the wrong way it will only get worse. So which way will this monstrosity that is Transiberian 3 fall, well lets look at 2 core aspects that are pissing me up the wall.
Those that have left us:
So who is still sitting on the Transmogrify Ship and who hass walked the plank or managed to sneak off in a Life boat before the whole thing comes down? Well Bay's is still there obviously, and he still seems to think he is a real diector who can build a movie and is a master of tension. HEY GENIUS! Running through the desert for the last hour of the film doesn't build tension, it just makes me hope the Clash of the Titans Scorpions will pop out and end my misery, and just cause I wanted to shoehorn this complaint in somewhere, a film should build up to the final climactic showdown with your villian, wether it is a Lightsaber duel with mindfreaking implications, or a hostage negotionation it should be the highlight, not go for two seconds as our super powered hero beats on a senior citizen, geez. Okay what was I tlaking about? Next, 2 executive producers have bitten the big one, Brian Goldner and Mark Vahradian. I'm sorry guys but your loss is of no effect to me, when you only lose 2 out of 8 producers, I doubt we'll feel the difference, especially when Steven 'Holier than thou' Speilberg is still there. The writing was the most obvious problem in the second film so when I see that Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman have left the franchise for fear of it 'going stale' massive warning bells begin to go off like im standing in the middle of Nostre Dame Cathedral at 12 o'clock. Orci and Kurtzman were the writers of the first Transfixers and while it didn't set the world on fire I could hardly call it bad, but rather than letting those two settle back down to work as they went before, some genius decided that another writer would make it even better, like some sort of wierd 2+1=better senario. The man who we got was Ehren Kruger, and while he did a good job with The Ring, he proved here and in The Ring Two (what an inventive name for a sequel) that while he can set stuff up in an original, he has a random need to dig plot holes in a sequel.
Okay so you're movie isn't working, people were dissapointed in it and you're losing your fan boy audience. While any Berk with a keyboard (like me) would tell you that you need to go back to basics, respect the fans of the source and not run over pre-existing cannon with a steamroller. OR, as Mr Bay seems to think, you could always go with what I like to call the Batman effect. The Batman effect is a very simple thing to do, but if done incorrectly it will drag your franchise to the brink of destuction. The effect is that you make your movie darker and it is ultimatly better, such as Dark Knight and Watchmen. This however doesn't always work, take Wolverine: Origins for example, while they tried to darken it up a bit the entire movie still felt as campy as when Wolvy was running around in the yellow spandex. And if the enternal badass Wolverine can't pull it off then I don't see how Transistor Radio 3 will do it.
Okay so thats the basics for why this movie will suck. Now for all you people out there who actually agree with me, oh come on I know you're there, I putting together a Special team with special privilages (Oh god, now I've got Wolfman: Original stuck in my head) so grab you're Pitchforks as we strom Paramount Studios to stop this movie. Any of you out there that still need your fix of Transformationalists, my advice is to open 4 internet browsers, on one have google images robots, another have explosions, the third he women draped over cars and on the fourth start the movie Eagle Eye, now switch randomly between the tow, trust me you won't notice the difference.
